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[ after their "date", leia really does take the time to think about everything that happened, from the tension, to the kiss, to the dream that she can only vaguely remember. she even talks to elize about it, since... well, the rest of their group is compromised of people who are probably too busy to play advisor for her (like rowen and gaius), or people it would be way too awkward to talk to about this with (like jude and alvin himself). she's even a little quieter than normal when it comes to contacting alvin, and she definitely doesn't try to drag him out as much— especially not when she finally admits to herself why she's been so weird around him lately.

she likes him. not as a friend, or even as a best friend, but as something more. she's been through this whole song and dance before, which makes it worse, in a way. trust her to fall for her best friend again, right? and that's not even touching on the issues they've had in the past, or the fact that he's... a lot older than her, or any of the other reasons that tell her that this is probably something that she should keep to herself for the moment.

quiet as she may be toward him, though, that doesn't stop her from calling him up and asking if he'd like to spend new years together, and when she gets an affirmative answer, she can't help but feel a small thrill even if she knows she probably shouldn't. unlike her birthday, this isn't being framed as a date. as far as anyone but her is concerned, this is just two friends casually spending a holiday together, but just knowing that they'll get to do something like that really does make her happy.

that doesn't stop her from putting a little extra effort into her appearance, either— when the big day rolls around, even if she doesn't get very dressed up, she does spend time in front of the mirror fussing over her appearance for one of the first times in her life. while she would normally toss her hair up into a quick bun and call it a day, she actually opts to wear it down for once, combed out carefully so that it falls around her shoulders. she picks out her cutest sweater and shorts combo, too, because even if the weather reports say it's going to be chilly and potentially a little rainy, a small part of her wants to impress him. for him to think that maybe she's actually pretty cute.

she even gets to their decided meeting spot a little early (surprisingly, probably), an umbrella in hand, just in case the reports were right and it starts to drizzle at some point— it's already a little cloudy, so it's a very real possibility. she's pretty antsy about this meeting, too, if the way she keeps checking her GHS is anything to go by. she's only been waiting for him for a few minutes and there's still plenty of time to walk to the area they talked about watching the fireworks from since it's not too far away, but still. she kind of can't help herself at this point. ]

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[ there it is— the question she was both anticipating and dreading. this isn't something she can joke her way out of or brush under the rug anymore, either. he sounds... surprisingly serious. no teasing, no sly comments, just one very important question.

it's one she knows the answer to, so her hesitation isn't because she has to think about her answer. instead, she's hesitating because she's... actually kind of nervous now. she feels jittery— something that's reflected in the way she twists her hands together, fidgeting awkwardly. ]

You caught me. [ she says it simply, even though she can't bring herself to look his way. instead, her eyes are glued to her lap. her hair falls in her face, an unfortunate side effect of wearing it down (and probably one of the reasons she always wears it up), but that might not be a bad thing. it's hiding the way her expression falls and the way her face starts to turn red. ] You're not... mad, right? Or weirded out by it?

[ she's not going to try to ask him how he feels about her (not yet, at least), so knowing that this isn't going to completely ruin the friendship they've worked so hard to build up is probably the next most important thing. ]

No...not exactly.

[Now it's his turn to feel awkward and uncertain. He doesn't move away from her, so there's that at least. A sign that he's not revolted or put off by her actions or her confession (sort of). He does look away, though, a hand pressing against his mouth (where she kissed him) and then to his forehead as he tries to process this.]

Honestly I'm not sure what to think. I mean, I... [He stops himself, unsure of what exactly he was about to say. A part of him is happy, but a larger part is starting to panic for reasons he's not even sure of.

He looks at her again.] For how long? [And then again he's hesitant.] Is it because of what happened during the date? [His eyes dart over to what he can see of her, trying to find any clue. Did he unintentionally lead her on? Give her the wrong impression? Then again, he's not sure what impression he was giving either, especially during certain points.

And would it really be so bad to have her like him? Actually yes. Yes it would be. For her sake it would.]

[ that's something she doesn't have an immediate answer to. she only realized it recently, but had their date started it? going by things that she only really noticed after the fact, it probably wasn't the beginning of it. it was just what made her realize what she had already been feeling. when she had spoken to elize about it, she had agreed— she said she had been wondering if things where headed in that direction for them for a while. she even said she thought they would be a good match. ]

No! That's not it. [ she gives a quick shake of her head and glances at him. she really doesn't want him to feel bad about the date. for it to be any more of an awkward part of their past than it already is. ] I dunno how long.

[ it had probably been a slow fall— one that she hadn't even noticed until it was too late. it explained a lot, too. her jealousy, how she felt toward him at that party... a lot of things made sense if she considered that maybe she was starting to view him as something other than a best friend at those points in time. ]

I guess... it's been like this for a while.

...I see. [That is a bit relieving. So long as it wasn't a sudden change, then...

But again, he wonders. He wonders if it's because of how he behaved toward her. They joked about it, but their couple-like antics... They easily could have influenced her. Yet...those moments...hadn't exactly been ill-received by either of them. It had been...comfortable. Natural. He hadn't thought much about it because...

...Because when it first started happening, he never saw Leia as more than just a friend. Something like a sister. A girl he could pal around with without having to worry about those kind of misconceptions. But even that had started to change within the past few months, and that might have been why he had mixed feelings about it. When he started to become more aware that she just wasn't some "other girl," and her birthday had really brought a few of those points home.

And again, there's the problem of what it is he feels. Is it just an odd attraction? Or...like her, is there some deep meaning to those past feelings, those urges. Even if she likes him, even if it's mutual...is he even allowed to feel that way?

Now something else is at play here. Past guilt. Past insecurities.

They make him take a breath and start to speak again.]

Leia, I—I'm happy you feel that way about me, but this... It can't happen. [Even as he hears himself say those words, he feels a rather strange pain. Maybe a part of him did want it. Even if he doesn't fully realize it and may realize it later that night when he thinks over this, he's been the happiest when he's around her. He feels the most comfortable, the most himself. So his subconscious is reacting to that even if right now he doesn't fully understand it.

The words just continue fall out, almost automatically.] We're eleven years apart, you're still going through new experiences, I still have to get my act together. Even if I— [Again he stops himself, looking away.] There are plenty of other guys who would be better for you.

[Someone who won't have had shot you in the back already. Who won't hurt you like I have.]

...I'm sorry.

[ even if part of her saw this coming, another part of her was hopeful, which just makes hearing that sting even more. there are eleven years between them. she's behind him in terms of life experience. he's still a work in progress. their history, as far behind them as it may be, isn't pretty. what he's saying is true— maybe this really can't happen. maybe there's someone out there for her who wouldn't have all that baggage attached.

the thing is, that's... not really what she wants. a lack of baggage doesn't make chemistry. she hadn't had any problems with jude aside from minor spats growing up, but they hadn't gotten along quite like she and alvin do. they had been like very close siblings more than anything else, her feelings for him aside, and now that's all she sees him as. it's the same with other guys, too. she hadn't felt that spark with the one she went on a date with, either. ]

I don't want some other guy.

[ she doesn't want to make him feel bad about all of this, either, but here she is, blurting out things like that. ]

Besides, you said it made you happy. [ to know that she likes him. and then there was something else that he stopped himself from saying. ] It wouldn't make you happy if it wasn't okay, right?

[ she's not trying to push him into something he doesn't want— she'd never try to force her feelings onto him— but at the same time, she can't help but press the topic a little. she wouldn't be able to focus on anything but this issue if she didn't at least try to get some closure. ]

[That's a pretty bold admission, and he actually feels a bit flustered by it. "Want" has a lot of implications behind it, and he's honestly not sure how to feel or handle that. Especially since...well...only one other person has ever felt like that toward him.]

It's not a matter of it's "okay" or not. [Or so he says, anyway. Honestly he's not sure what he's saying. He's not sure about anything right now.]

Look, Leia, I like you. [That is. Oddly strange to hear him say since now that word could carry a lot of different meanings and he's not sure what he even means.] I care about you and I like being with you. [...This is really sounding like his own version of a confession.]

But I don't feel the same as you do.

[Now that might be a lie, but it's also true for the moment at least. Because even if he likes her, even if he feels that bit of attraction... She knows she has those feelings for him. He doesn't. He doesn't know what it is he feels toward her, if it's just something that's between close friendship and something more. He could be in that small place right before that next step and never cross over it. He was even trying to cut whatever those "odd feelings" down before they worsened because he thought it would be wrong, no matter the circumstances.

But damn does this make him feel really bad. Even as he's talking he wonders if she'll start to hate him instead. If he's ruining their friendship. But if he can't be honest with himself, how could he be honest with her? As he told her before, he didn't want anymore relationships based on lies...and especially not with her.]

[ "i like you."

when he says that, her heart jumps into her throat. those are words she's secretly tried to imagine him saying to her since she realized her feelings, so hearing it in reality is... nice, in a way. then he continues, and the happy, fluttery feeling in her chest goes away as quickly as it came, leaving her with nothing but a heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach. ]

... okay. [ she's trying to be strong about this to keep from making him feel bad, but hearing him bluntly say that he doesn't feel the way that she does hurts. her eyes are starting to water with tears that she's trying her absolute hardest not to shed, and she brings a hand up to scrub at them for a moment, like maybe she can just wipe them away and feel better.

even if she never had a chance with jude, this is her first time actually being rejected. that's probably why it hurts so badly, and she's trying not to let that show, futile as it may be. there's a lot to be upset over, though. she's been rejected and told that what she wants can't happen. it's not even something she can hope for in the future, and on top of that, there's their friendship to think about.

just like him, she's worried about what this is going to mean for them. is he going to avoid her now? is it wrong of her to feel the way she does? she really doesn't know anymore. she may not be willing to tell him that she's hurting, but she can talk about that. ]

I don't want things to get weird between us. [ she looks to him as she says that. her eyes are still wet and her face is starting to get red in the way that people who are upset often get, but it could probably be worse. ] Even if you don't like me like that, we can still be friends, right?

[He feels a very sharp sting when he sees her face, a pain that only grows deeper because he knows he's the one who caused her to be upset. Again there's that impulse to reach out to her, but he has to hold himself back. He just said that this can't happen. He just said he doesn't have the same feelings for her. He can't confuse her or himself by these urges. He has to resist that sudden desire to pull her into his arms.

Because they're friends. That's. That's all this can be. Again this is for her sake. It hurts a lot worse than he expected, but it's for the best. He's...not a guy she should give her heart to.

So he forces a smile.]

Yeah, of course. Our friendship, it's... [His voice falters, the smile fading slightly.] It's...something I really do treasure, you know?

[And that fake casualness he tried to push out just completely disappears as his voice softens, allowing her a glimpse into how conflicted he really is feeling about this.]

That's why I don't want to lead you on or give you any false hopes. [Another tremble of hesitation.] But if you do find that you can't be around me anymore...it's okay. I'll understand.

[Since he is the one who is driving this wedge between them.]

[ she nods quickly, turning her head away from him and looking down at her lap. hearing that their friendship is important to him doesn't do anything to soften these blows, even if his words to touch her. they've talked about being best friends before, sure, but when was the last time he said something like that to her? honestly, these rare, genuine moments are probably one of the things about him that she likes the most. she likes his jokes and his teasing, she likes the way that they look out for each other, she likes how much fun she has when she's with him and that she can really let loose and be herself— but she also likes it when she gets a glimpse of what he's really dealing with. a glimpse of what's going on below the surface. and even if she's hurting, playing the supporting role is something she's very good at. so, after a moment of hesitation, she reaches to lightly lay her hand over his. ]

Alvin... [ and she gives his hand a small squeeze. ] Don't worry about things like that. We've been through way worse than a little crush before, you know.

[ of course, she knows what she feels for him isn't just a little crush— it's definitely deeper than that. still, after hearing that her feelings are one-sided, actually saying that would be too hard. ]

I'm not gonna ditch you just because you don't see me like that.

[ now it's her turn to force a smile, even if what she's saying is true. she's not going to give up on their friendship. ]

[He is a bit surprised when he feels her hand on his, and he looks over at her. He's also not sure if this is really just a "crush," but...it would be easier if that's what this is. Still, it's hard for her. He knows that. He knows she's been through this before, and...

There's some hesitation of his own. His hand wants to turn and take hers. To give that little squeeze back. There's just so much of him that wants to go to her, but again he has to hold back. Instead he just allows his fingers to lightly brush against hers, at least giving some indication that it's a welcomed gesture. After all...this might be the last time they be this intimate. Maybe they'll still hold hands, but if they do, it's likely not for a while. Not after this. Not...after knowing how she feels.]

Yeah...I know. I just... [He still feels bad about it. Almost guilty. He's about to say more, but his GHS starts going off. He plans on ignoring it, but then it just keeps going off. Slightly irritated, he thinks it's Balan.] Sorry, let me tell him to shut up for a second.

No problem! Take as much time as you need.

[ there's some of her typical, casual self, because someone blowing up alvin's GHS isn't awkward for her at all— she doesn't laugh at it like she normally might, but she doesn't look like she might burst into tears, either, so that's an improvement.

of course, once he actually turns his attention to his GHS, she's going to start considering taking her leave. it's a good opening and it's getting late (even if she's not tired by any stretch)... maybe she'll be able to slip away and explain herself later? she moves to stand, to see if maybe she'll be able to get away with it.

if he's going to try to stop her, here's his chance. ]

[He just flashes her an apologetic grin before turning to reach for his GHS. Yep, it's Balan. ...And apparently a few texts in the process, which is why his ringtone had been going off. There were a few from Elle but also Elize. And he has a sinking feeling he knows what they're about.

When he finally answers his GHS, that feeling only plummets when he hears his cousin's voice.

"About time, Alfred! Or am I interrupting your little date?"

Damn that Balan—

He grits his teeth, already telling him to knock it off as he turns to look back at Leia, half wondering if she heard. But by the time he does, she's gone. He had managed to delay long enough to miss that chance. Panicking he stands, hastily hanging up on his cousin and quickly stepping out of the area they had been sitting. By now the place had cleared out, the couples likely having already gone to continue somewhere more private. It makes it easy to spot her back heading toward the exit.]

Wait— Leia!

[ ... and busted. again. she hears him and turns, but she's not going to make any moves to close the distance between them. instead, she fishes her own GHS from her pocket and then points to it (he should be able to understand what she means by that, right?) before turning her attention to it and continuing on her way out of the area.

and, after a moment, his GHS will have a few new messages from her: ]

sorry for bailing on you like that (シ_ _)シ 

im getting kind of sleepy and i think i want to make myself a midnight snack before bed (´〜｀*)

dont be a stranger though ok? (´・ω・人・ω・`) lets get together and watch that dvd of yours soon!!! ＼（＾ ＾）／

[ and even if her reason for leaving isn't really true, that last part is genuine, at least. ]

[Through the GHS? Seriously? He moves toward her, but she's already texting and moving away from him. He also isn't sure if he should really follow her. Maybe she just wants to be away from him for a while, which he could understand, but...

When he does receive the message and hastily flips the device open to read it, his grip tightens. He can tell those are all excuses, the emoticons only aggravating him for different reasons now. She's forcing herself. He knows it. And it only drives that stake of guilt and pain further.

Even though he rushes out, he knows he's too late, a knowledge confirmed when he finds the streets completely empty. And then there's the question of why he feels so frantic about this. He's the one that cut it off. What is he trying to do now?

An aggravated hand runs through his hair as he looks back down at the message.

dont be a stranger though

lets get together and watch that dvd

His free hand clenches into a fist and slams into a nearby light post. Dammit, why is he so aggravated by this? Why does reading these words, the knowledge that she's hiding how she really feels frustrate him?

In the end, he finally texts her back.]

yeah i'll let you know when i'm free

text me when you get home

[He almost sends another apology, but he deletes it. Instead he stares at the unopened texts from the other girls and calls Balan.

He needs a drink.

A lot of them.]

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