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[ after their "date", leia really does take the time to think about everything that happened, from the tension, to the kiss, to the dream that she can only vaguely remember. she even talks to elize about it, since... well, the rest of their group is compromised of people who are probably too busy to play advisor for her (like rowen and gaius), or people it would be way too awkward to talk to about this with (like jude and alvin himself). she's even a little quieter than normal when it comes to contacting alvin, and she definitely doesn't try to drag him out as much— especially not when she finally admits to herself why she's been so weird around him lately.

she likes him. not as a friend, or even as a best friend, but as something more. she's been through this whole song and dance before, which makes it worse, in a way. trust her to fall for her best friend again, right? and that's not even touching on the issues they've had in the past, or the fact that he's... a lot older than her, or any of the other reasons that tell her that this is probably something that she should keep to herself for the moment.

quiet as she may be toward him, though, that doesn't stop her from calling him up and asking if he'd like to spend new years together, and when she gets an affirmative answer, she can't help but feel a small thrill even if she knows she probably shouldn't. unlike her birthday, this isn't being framed as a date. as far as anyone but her is concerned, this is just two friends casually spending a holiday together, but just knowing that they'll get to do something like that really does make her happy.

that doesn't stop her from putting a little extra effort into her appearance, either— when the big day rolls around, even if she doesn't get very dressed up, she does spend time in front of the mirror fussing over her appearance for one of the first times in her life. while she would normally toss her hair up into a quick bun and call it a day, she actually opts to wear it down for once, combed out carefully so that it falls around her shoulders. she picks out her cutest sweater and shorts combo, too, because even if the weather reports say it's going to be chilly and potentially a little rainy, a small part of her wants to impress him. for him to think that maybe she's actually pretty cute.

she even gets to their decided meeting spot a little early (surprisingly, probably), an umbrella in hand, just in case the reports were right and it starts to drizzle at some point— it's already a little cloudy, so it's a very real possibility. she's pretty antsy about this meeting, too, if the way she keeps checking her GHS is anything to go by. she's only been waiting for him for a few minutes and there's still plenty of time to walk to the area they talked about watching the fireworks from since it's not too far away, but still. she kind of can't help herself at this point. ]

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[He watched her with mild curiosity, seeing her expression changing slightly as she thought, but not really able to tell what she's thinking. He could have easily guessed the work part, but when he expects her to continue and instead she ends it with that? Well his curiosity is piqued even more.]

Come on, you can start like that and leave me hanging. So not missing deadlines and...something else?

[ should she tell him? she has to think about that for a moment— mainly about how to word it so that things won't be weird between them— but apparently the answer to that question is yes. ]

I'm not sure how easy it'll be, but there's someone I want to make happy.

[ she means that genuinely, too. that's her personal, non-work related resolution, even if she's guilty of omitting the fact that the person in question is him. she's not sure when she'll be able to get up the nerve to tell him how she feels, but... working hard to keep his spirits up? that's something she can do. she's done it once already, back when jude was the object of her affections, after all. ]

[And once again, curiosity and interest piqued.]

Oh? [A grin forms as he leans in closer to her.] Someone, huh? Sounds like someone caught your eye.

[He's teasing of course. It didn't have to be a sign of some crush. Hell, it could be her editor. The guy seemed like he could loosen up a bit. Maybe even a co-worker. So he'll let her slide by not teasing her too badly.]

Well I'm sure you'll be able to do it. Can't imagine someone not getting cheered up with that positive personality of yours. [And then a small playful nudge with his elbow.] Just don't overdo it.

Hey, there's no such thing as overdoing it, especially not when it comes to cheering someone up!

[ she swats at his arm lightly, but hearing from him that she shouldn't have any problems? it makes her happy, honestly. so, she's smiling in spite of the sass she's giving him. ]

Feel like spilling the beans about your resolutions now?

[ since she shared her super secret™ resolution with him and all. he kind of owes her. ]

[A light chuckle as he moves just a little from the swat. But his own new year's resolutions huh...]

Let me see... Well there's obvious going to be the work related ones. Get more sales, make more connections—the boring stuff.

[He leans back a bit now, legs extending as both hands grip the edge of the bench as he looks up to the dark, starry sky thoughtfully. She had someone to work on, but does he? ...Not really. Not in that kind of way, anyway. Really, if he thinks about it... Thinking back on this past year, it's been pretty good to him. A year he can actually look back and have good memories. Of course, most of the memorable ones had been with her, but... Well there's no particular deep meaning to that (or so he tells himself, anyway).]

I guess continuing to better myself and make more good memories. [Like back in Xian Du, how he now has better memories to replace the bad. Though hearing himself say those words out loud... There's a small wry laugh as he sits back forward.] Guess mine aren't really as impressive.

You know, they don't have to be impressive.

[ hers aren't all that impressive, either, and even if it's not the new year quite yet, it's never too early to get started on making sure he's happy, right? ]

If being a good person and having a good time are what you wanna do, then that's good enough. [ she lightly bumps her shoulder against his before continuing. ] And I'll be here to help you with it every step of the way!

Is that right? [A light smile. Really, he could see her doing that, and as he said, it wouldn't be that hard. But that reminds him of her resolution, so he gives her another tap back.] Though you shouldn't spend too much attention to me if you're going to keep your own resolution.

Don't want to make the other person jealous now.

[Apparently he's going to be dense twice today.]

[ have some awkward laughter, because way to completely miss the mark. ]

Come on, don't worry about that. I dunno if he'd even get jealous over something like that, anyway.

[ which is actually true. is he the jealous type? would he feel jealous if she paid less attention to him and spent her time with someone else instead? it's pretty hard to tell, honestly, but she's got a feeling the answer to that would be no— whether or not he's a jealous person, her feelings are probably strictly one-sided, so of course he wouldn't be jealous if her resolution revolved around someone else. ]

[Wait.]

He?

[... ... Still could be anyone, but in his mind he had been imagining that editor or a female co-worker. Now his mind is starting to think of guy more her age and... ...It shouldn't bother him, but for some reason now he actually does want to know. And not know.

Leia, he might actually be experiencing small little pricks of jealousy. ~~Of himself.~~]

Hold on, this someone is a guy? Is it someone you're interested in?

[The questions come out naturally and innocent enough, the kind one would expect a close friend might ask out of interested curiosity. It's just for Alvin...it might be more than just interested curiosity even if he couldn't really place why exactly.]

[ he's catching into her, but since he doesn't seem to fully understand her side of this yet, there's no harm in being honest, right? she's a pretty bad liar, anyway. ]

You got it. [ she gives a quick nod. ] I wanna make him happy because I'm interested, and I'm not so sure he feels the same.

[ even if she's skirting around a very important piece of information, it actually feels... kind of good to say these things. to let him know, in a way, that she has feelings for him. to talk about this with someone other than elize. ]

I figure that even if he's not, that's the least I can do. You know what I mean?

Uh... [This is somehow more of a surprise to him than he thought it would be and for a moment he could only just look at her blankly before coming to his senses and quickly look away.] Yeah, right. [Well that came out stiffer and more awkward than he intended or even expected.

Come on, Alvin, stop acting like a dad who just learned his daughter is dating. Or. Something like that. Is that how he's acting? Or maybe like an older brother...no all of those analogies would fit more with Elize, and he definitely would be more caught up into it than he is right now, demanding all the details. Instead...strangely he's not sure he wants to know the details, and that's a very, very strange feeling.

But he just clears his throat a bit and grins as he looks back at her.]

Well I'm sure he's probably noticed you. I mean, kind of hard not to.

[Because she's cute—er, well no, not that's not what he should initially think even if the glow from the nearby lumen tree does wonders for her profile right now and he's starting to feel that he might prefer her hair down and—

Quit it, Alvin. Not the kind of thoughts you should be having.]

And even if he's not, I'm sure you can win him over if you try.

[He also knows about her feelings for Jude and how that played out, so he does want to support her this time. To get that win. Although...the idea of supporting her is somehow feeling a lot less than enthused than it should be.]

Edited 2015-01-26 09:29 (UTC)

[ she notices how stiff that sounds, having known him for as long as she has. typically, conversations like this go smoothly on his end and awkwardly on hers— hadn't he even teased her about having a fling with someone when they visited xian du together? but in the here and now, things are just... weird. if she didn't know any better, she'd think that this is something he doesn't feel comfortable talking about. and when she tries to think of why that's even a possibility...

if there were ever a perfect opportunity to drop the fibs she's been telling and give him the whole truth, this could possibly be it. the optimist in her especially thinks it could be a good idea, at least. she's almost sure he kissed her back, however faintly, under the mistletoe and he's been tossing compliments her way since they met up, too; first he had said she looked good, and now he's saying that it's hard not to notice her and that she could win this mystery guy of hers over if she tried. couple that with how he's not being his typical, teasing self, and... well, maybe there's a very small chance that he feels the same that she does, right? she's spent the time they've been apart since their "date" convincing herself that her feelings will probably never be realized, but what if she's wrong? she did this when she liked jude, too— she convinced herself not to say anything to him when they were young. then, when he finally came home from fennmont, he had milla. she had waited for too long, tried to shove her feelings down too much, and she lost her chance completely because of it.

after a pause that's probably a little longer than it ought to be, that thought is what drives her as she opens her mouth to respond. ]

Look, I—

[ she's about to spill the beans, to tell him that it's him that she's got her eye on, but the whistle and bang of the first firework of the night interrupts her, and she tears her eyes away from him to look up to the sky. after the first one, a series of fireworks start to go off, and there's no way she'll be able to talk to him with that going on, so... her confession will have to wait, apparently. ]

[He had been keeping his eyes not directly on her, still uncertain about his own behavior and feelings at the moment. Maybe he was partly realizing that if she was with someone else, their time hanging out would be a lot less and unconsciously he was realizing that it was a bit of a lonely thought, especially having been so used to knowing she would be around.

But these thoughts and realizations were only just starting to form when the fireworks started to go off, her words lost to the loud bangs and booms of the display. The sudden bursts of light also distract him, eyes moving upward to see. Leaning back a bit, his inside arm subconsciously moves behind her to support himself, though when he feels her back he does take a moment to glance back at her from the corner of his eye, careful to let her notice.

Should he still be doing things like this? The hand holding, the close presence. They had all been done as "friends," but... He can hear Elle's voice in the back of his mind again, momentarily muting the fireworks. Those small urges. Had...that really been all there was to it?

He returns his focus back to the lights coloring the sky. Well, no point in thinking about it now. Although, even though he tries to pay attention to the display, his mind is elsewhere and more acutely aware of the girl next to him.]

[ when she feels his arm behind her, it takes her out of the moment and the attention she had focused on the fireworks is drawn back to him. perhaps unconsciously, she leans back against the bench a little— so, in spite of how she was interrupted, she's not shying away from him. in fact, as she watches the fireworks, her thoughts stray back to what she almost told him.

the more she thinks about it, the more telling him feels like a good idea instead of an awful one. the more she thinks about it, the more it feels like maybe, even if he doesn't feel the same, it could be for the best. if he doesn't have feelings for her, then telling him could be part of the process of getting over him. if he does... that would be an entirely different can of worms. one she hasn't had much time to consider, and one she won't have much time to consider, either, since the fireworks are slowing to a stop. then there's a cheer in the distance, somewhere below them, signaling that the show is over and the new year is here. several of the couples around them are taking part in exchanging new years kisses, too, which gives her an idea. a potentially bad idea, but an idea nonetheless. ]

Hey, Alvin?

Hm?

[He's still half distracted by his thoughts, but he automatically turns back to face her.]

Happy New Year.

[ there's only a moment of hesitation before she leans in to press her lips to his, one hand coming up to rest on the shoulder closest to her for balance as she does.

this time around there isn't any alcohol or mistletoe to blame, so this one is all her. even if she keeps it chaste, just her mouth against his, it's still her kissing him because she likes him as more than a friend— maybe he'll understand that if she does this. ]

[What is it with these girls and suddenly kissing him? First it was Elize, now it's Leia (not counting the mistletoe). Except the two are completely different. Just like how this kiss is different from the last one he shared with her.

Like back in Kanbalar, he stiffens, eyes widening in surprise. Only unlike back in Kanbalar, this feels a bit different. Like it actually has a purpose instead of just impulsive—and he knows she's not drunk. And unlike in Kanbalar, he doesn't quite respond the same way. Completely aware of his senses, surroundings, who this girl is, he just. Blanks.

Didn't she just say she was interested in someone? If so then why is she...? ...Wait... Huh? No, it can't—

Yet all the pieces fit, so when his brain finally stirs from the shock, it's dawning on him on why she's all dressed up. Why she might have been interested in that earlier conversation. Who she might have been talking about.

And all he can do is just sit there in that mild shock because if all of that is true? If she actually does have feelings for him? Then everything has become a lot more complicated.

Especially when he has his own feelings to sort through.]

Edited 2015-01-26 19:32 (UTC)

[ it takes her a moment to pull back, but when she realizes that he's gone still, that's her cue. she pulls away a little, her hand sliding off of his shoulder to rest on the bench between them, instead.

he hadn't kissed her back, and worst than that, he hadn't responded at all. that... probably isn't a good sign, right? and now she doesn't know what to say— or where to start, more accurately— so she's going to blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. ]

Sorry! I guess I got a little ahead of myself, huh?

[ awkward... laughter... ]

[Her words help snap him out of it, quickly realizing how awkward this is going to get.]

No, it's—

[Well shit. What the hell is he supposed to say? It's not that he... ...Well, no, what does he feel about this? Other than a lot of confused, conflicted emotions.

Okay, Alvin, you're the adult here. ...The adult. Technically they're both adults now, but he is once again realizing one of the problems here is how much older he is. And that's not even the tip of the iceberg. He doesn't want to hurt her, that much he knows, but...he has a very strong feeling that that's what's going to happen no matter what. So...take this one step at a time.

He takes a breath.]

Leia. [He's looking at her properly now, and there is an impulse to reach out and take her hand. And now that he's noticing these impulses, he's beginning to understand why. But he just resists instead, his grip tightening against the bench instead.] That someone you were talking about... Was it me? [And now a little more hesitantly.] Do you...?

[...Actually like him? He can't quite bring himself to actually say it, as if also not really believing it possible, so his voice trails off in some awkward uncertainty. Does she lo—no. No he's not going to allow that thought.]

[ there it is— the question she was both anticipating and dreading. this isn't something she can joke her way out of or brush under the rug anymore, either. he sounds... surprisingly serious. no teasing, no sly comments, just one very important question.

it's one she knows the answer to, so her hesitation isn't because she has to think about her answer. instead, she's hesitating because she's... actually kind of nervous now. she feels jittery— something that's reflected in the way she twists her hands together, fidgeting awkwardly. ]

You caught me. [ she says it simply, even though she can't bring herself to look his way. instead, her eyes are glued to her lap. her hair falls in her face, an unfortunate side effect of wearing it down (and probably one of the reasons she always wears it up), but that might not be a bad thing. it's hiding the way her expression falls and the way her face starts to turn red. ] You're not... mad, right? Or weirded out by it?

[ she's not going to try to ask him how he feels about her (not yet, at least), so knowing that this isn't going to completely ruin the friendship they've worked so hard to build up is probably the next most important thing. ]

No...not exactly.

[Now it's his turn to feel awkward and uncertain. He doesn't move away from her, so there's that at least. A sign that he's not revolted or put off by her actions or her confession (sort of). He does look away, though, a hand pressing against his mouth (where she kissed him) and then to his forehead as he tries to process this.]

Honestly I'm not sure what to think. I mean, I... [He stops himself, unsure of what exactly he was about to say. A part of him is happy, but a larger part is starting to panic for reasons he's not even sure of.

He looks at her again.] For how long? [And then again he's hesitant.] Is it because of what happened during the date? [His eyes dart over to what he can see of her, trying to find any clue. Did he unintentionally lead her on? Give her the wrong impression? Then again, he's not sure what impression he was giving either, especially during certain points.

And would it really be so bad to have her like him? Actually yes. Yes it would be. For her sake it would.]

[ that's something she doesn't have an immediate answer to. she only realized it recently, but had their date started it? going by things that she only really noticed after the fact, it probably wasn't the beginning of it. it was just what made her realize what she had already been feeling. when she had spoken to elize about it, she had agreed— she said she had been wondering if things where headed in that direction for them for a while. she even said she thought they would be a good match. ]

No! That's not it. [ she gives a quick shake of her head and glances at him. she really doesn't want him to feel bad about the date. for it to be any more of an awkward part of their past than it already is. ] I dunno how long.

[ it had probably been a slow fall— one that she hadn't even noticed until it was too late. it explained a lot, too. her jealousy, how she felt toward him at that party... a lot of things made sense if she considered that maybe she was starting to view him as something other than a best friend at those points in time. ]

I guess... it's been like this for a while.

...I see. [That is a bit relieving. So long as it wasn't a sudden change, then...

But again, he wonders. He wonders if it's because of how he behaved toward her. They joked about it, but their couple-like antics... They easily could have influenced her. Yet...those moments...hadn't exactly been ill-received by either of them. It had been...comfortable. Natural. He hadn't thought much about it because...

...Because when it first started happening, he never saw Leia as more than just a friend. Something like a sister. A girl he could pal around with without having to worry about those kind of misconceptions. But even that had started to change within the past few months, and that might have been why he had mixed feelings about it. When he started to become more aware that she just wasn't some "other girl," and her birthday had really brought a few of those points home.

And again, there's the problem of what it is he feels. Is it just an odd attraction? Or...like her, is there some deep meaning to those past feelings, those urges. Even if she likes him, even if it's mutual...is he even allowed to feel that way?

Now something else is at play here. Past guilt. Past insecurities.

They make him take a breath and start to speak again.]

Leia, I—I'm happy you feel that way about me, but this... It can't happen. [Even as he hears himself say those words, he feels a rather strange pain. Maybe a part of him did want it. Even if he doesn't fully realize it and may realize it later that night when he thinks over this, he's been the happiest when he's around her. He feels the most comfortable, the most himself. So his subconscious is reacting to that even if right now he doesn't fully understand it.

The words just continue fall out, almost automatically.] We're eleven years apart, you're still going through new experiences, I still have to get my act together. Even if I— [Again he stops himself, looking away.] There are plenty of other guys who would be better for you.

[Someone who won't have had shot you in the back already. Who won't hurt you like I have.]

...I'm sorry.

[ even if part of her saw this coming, another part of her was hopeful, which just makes hearing that sting even more. there are eleven years between them. she's behind him in terms of life experience. he's still a work in progress. their history, as far behind them as it may be, isn't pretty. what he's saying is true— maybe this really can't happen. maybe there's someone out there for her who wouldn't have all that baggage attached.

the thing is, that's... not really what she wants. a lack of baggage doesn't make chemistry. she hadn't had any problems with jude aside from minor spats growing up, but they hadn't gotten along quite like she and alvin do. they had been like very close siblings more than anything else, her feelings for him aside, and now that's all she sees him as. it's the same with other guys, too. she hadn't felt that spark with the one she went on a date with, either. ]

I don't want some other guy.

[ she doesn't want to make him feel bad about all of this, either, but here she is, blurting out things like that. ]

Besides, you said it made you happy. [ to know that she likes him. and then there was something else that he stopped himself from saying. ] It wouldn't make you happy if it wasn't okay, right?

[ she's not trying to push him into something he doesn't want— she'd never try to force her feelings onto him— but at the same time, she can't help but press the topic a little. she wouldn't be able to focus on anything but this issue if she didn't at least try to get some closure. ]

[That's a pretty bold admission, and he actually feels a bit flustered by it. "Want" has a lot of implications behind it, and he's honestly not sure how to feel or handle that. Especially since...well...only one other person has ever felt like that toward him.]

It's not a matter of it's "okay" or not. [Or so he says, anyway. Honestly he's not sure what he's saying. He's not sure about anything right now.]

Look, Leia, I like you. [That is. Oddly strange to hear him say since now that word could carry a lot of different meanings and he's not sure what he even means.] I care about you and I like being with you. [...This is really sounding like his own version of a confession.]

But I don't feel the same as you do.

[Now that might be a lie, but it's also true for the moment at least. Because even if he likes her, even if he feels that bit of attraction... She knows she has those feelings for him. He doesn't. He doesn't know what it is he feels toward her, if it's just something that's between close friendship and something more. He could be in that small place right before that next step and never cross over it. He was even trying to cut whatever those "odd feelings" down before they worsened because he thought it would be wrong, no matter the circumstances.

But damn does this make him feel really bad. Even as he's talking he wonders if she'll start to hate him instead. If he's ruining their friendship. But if he can't be honest with himself, how could he be honest with her? As he told her before, he didn't want anymore relationships based on lies...and especially not with her.]