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[It had been a couple of weeks since the New Year, and it...well it wasn't exactly the best of starts. After Leia's confession, the two had been a little distant. They still talked and met every now and then, but it wasn't as often. A lot of it as on Alvin, and not just because of increased work with the business.

That night over several glasses of various strong alcoholic beverages, he had told Balan what had happened and for once his cousin didn't mock him or throw sass at him. Instead he just asked Alvin why he rejected her and why he thought they couldn't date. Age aside, from what he had seen, Balan thought they could work out. Balan only knew vague details about their past (well, he knew Alvin had shot her, so perhaps it wasn't so vague), but they were friends now so did it really matter?

And really, Alfred, you don't seriously think you don't feel anything for the girl, do you? I'm no expert, but it's obvious to everyone except you.

In the end, all Alvin could say and be hung over about was the fact that he wasn't the right guy and that whatever feelings he did have shouldn't be allowed. That it's better this way.

Elle and Elize—man did he get an earful from the both of them. Elize yelled at him so much and now she refuses to talk to him. Elle just thinks he's an idiot and doesn't understand why grown-ups have to be so complicated.

If you get along so great, what's the big deal?

All of these questions only make him wonder if he really is doing the right thing. It also makes him realize that...he really might have had deeper feelings for the girl. That those impulses he had weren't just strange, one-off things. If that's true, then why is it so hard for him to accept those feelings and act on them? He already knows how she feels. Or...is he doubting that? Is he afraid that something might happen to change that? That even if she likes him now, she might leave because he can't get his act together?

Whenever those kinds of doubts and thoughts crawl into his mind, he immediately tries to banish them. Leia wouldn't be like that. He knows her better than that. Yet that kind of fear...and knowing how he's not really ready for that kind of relationship either...

In the end, it was just a complicated mess. A mess he himself is creating.

But he does want to keep their friendship and he does realize that he misses her company. So although he recognizes he's being a hypocrite here, he finally sends her that text asking her if she wants to watch the movie. He's glad and relieved when she accepts, even when he offers his place since he has the better system. It wouldn't be the first time, but it would in a while. And the first after her confession. Things...could get awkward, but he would try to act as normal as possible.

So it's now the day they would watch the movie and he's waiting for her at his apartment. And for some reason he actually feels a little nervous about this.]

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[Although the kiss is a little hard, he's not too aggressive—even if he has some growing impulses to make it so. It's not empty either, which is probably clearly due to the force and how much emotion there is hidden behind it. And even though he's aware that he should not be doing this... Explaining himself...is going to be very difficult. If anything he might be making things worse as his other hand reaches up to her face, his thumb cradling along the side of her jawline as the rest of his fingers wrap behind her head.

He holds her like this, perhaps even pulling her a little closer to him. It's almost as if his own body is trying to desperately call out to her, to tell her in its own way that despite what he says or thinks, this is how he really feels. And it's a call that is cut short when he finally breaks the kiss, his breath warm as he tries to catch it. He doesn't pull back very far, but far enough so that he can look down at her, a bit of a pained expression on his face.

God did it feel so good to finally do that, and he wants to kiss her again, but that voice in the back of his head telling him that this is wrong and that he's not the right one for her holds him back. The only proof of his conflict is how he still hasn't quite moved away. How he still holds her hand and and keeps his hand pressed against her head.]

[ when he finally pulls away, she's quiet. what can she even say? she's breathless and her heart is beating fast, so she takes a moment to catch her breath and think about that.

he's told her that this can't happen, but if she counts their date (which she is), this is the second time he's kissed her back. and, unlike the kiss they shared on her birthday, there's no ambiguity about whether or not he kissed her back, because he pulled away and then came back for more. ]

So... what was that about?

[ her voice is soft when she says that, and she hasn't moved away from him, either. being this close to him actually feels nice, and she's still trying to process that kiss, so pulling the rest of the way back is probably the farthest thing from her mind. ]

That...

[He closes his eyes and finally pulls back farther, his hand falling.]

Is something that can't happen again.

Wait, what?

[ her confusion is written all over her face, and there's a little bit of hurt in her voice. ]

You kissed me! That's gotta mean something, right?

[ and if it does mean something— if maybe he does feel something for her, too, in spite of all of his denial— then why can't it happen again? wouldn't that be the best thing for both of them? it would be the thing that causes both of them the least amount of pain, and the more she thinks about it like that, the more confused and frustrated she feels. ]

Leia. [He can hear it and see it, but he just steels himself.] You're eighteen. In a few months I'll be twenty-nine. I'll be hitting thirty before you hit twenty.

[Even if their social and culture doesn't put too much on numbers, just saying it out like that really hits home how big of a difference there is. If this were a few years in the future, it might not seem as big of a deal. Comparing thirties and twenties doesn't seem as wrong. But for right now...it really does.

Though his problem is much deeper than just a simple game of numbers.]

Whatever I feel doesn't matter. I'm not even sure what I feel. That's all the more reason why this can't work. If I can't be honest to myself, how can I be honest with you? And I don't want you to wait like you did with Jude.

[ hearing that does nothing to settle her down. their ages... she knows there's a considerable difference, but it's also true that their culture doesn't put much stock into things like that. that's probably why that aspect doesn't really bother her. that and the fact that he doesn't act that much more mature than her.

it's really the rest of what he says that doesn't sit well with her. ]

Then we can talk about it. [ about what he feels. because as much as it seems like he's trying to do this at least partially for her sake, knowing that there might be something between them but that he's shutting it down stings. ] It's not like I'm gonna stop liking you overnight, so I'll be waiting no matter what happens.

[ this is the girl who hung onto her feelings for jude for who knows how long. regardless of how they resolve this, she would probably have her eye on him would a while. ]

That's what I'm trying to tell you—don't wait. [It is hard to say this, his voice having a harsher bite to it than it has before.] Don't waste your time on me, Leia.

[Even he had been more like his old self, he probably could have lied. Said that the kiss before was just him messing with her. He could try to lie to both of them, to break it all down. It's something he had been good at, after all. It would also make it easier for her to forget about him. To be angry at him—to hate him. To find that someone who is better for her. To realize that he's not the guy she thinks he is.

The words start coming out of his mouth.]

Besides, you're still young, you're just confusing your feelings. You're rebounding. [Why is he saying this? Why is he taking this path to push her away?] We've only known each other, what, three years? There's no way you could possibly have fallen for me.

[His voice has taken a hollower, darker tone to it. He knows what he's saying. He knows how it will end. And still he continues.]

I mean come on, falling for the guy who tried to kill you, shot you, betrayed you how many times? Just because I was nice to you, you felt special? [Stop.] Isn't that being a little too naive? [Stop, dammit!]

[ for as fired up as she might have been, hearing him say that makes it feel like there's ice in her veins. first he told her they can't be together, then he kissed her back only to say it can't happen again, and now this. out of everything that's happened, though, this is probably the most painful. he's not just telling her no, or that he's afraid of hurting her, or anything else— he's denying that her feelings are even real. ]

Cut it out! [ her voice comes out louder than she expected, but her emotions are running high now. she balls her hands into fists, like maybe she wants to deck him, but instead they just rest in her lap.

there's no way he actually means these things, right? but even if she tells herself that, and even if she genuinely believes it, it hurts. she can feel her eyes getting watery, even as she fixes him with the most serious look she can manage. ] That's not how things are! You should know that by now!

[ his betrayals, the fact that he shot her— it's behind them. she still wears the scar on her shoulder, but time has even started to fade that, slowly but surely.

she takes a deep breath and scrubs at her face (she needs to calm down before she really does try to smack him) before continuing: ]

I don't care about the things that happened in the past. [ how many times is she going to have to tell him that before he finally gets it? she has no clue, but she can be just as stubborn as him, so she'll keep trying if she has to. ] And I'm not being naive. It's not a rebound, or any of that other crap, either. Why would you even think that?

[Decking him is something he deserves so she probably should. He can see how he's hurting her. And didn't he just say he didn't want to do that? But that's what he's doing, and at this point it might be intentional. But whatever he feels about it, his face maintains its emotionless mask.]

You've only dated, what, one other guy? And you've only ever chased after Jude—not exactly a lot of experience, is there?

[Is his voice coming out mocking now?]

[ and there goes the last straw. ]

Stop it! [ she uncurls her fist, and draws it back to slap him across the face. she's not mad enough to actually punch him (she doesn't want to hurt him, even with all of the things he's saying), but that doesn't mean she can't put all of the force she can muster behind it, either. ]

You don't mean any of that, right? [ he had said before that their friendship was something he treasured, that he didn't want to hurt her, that things could stay normal between them in spite of her feelings for him. she had believed all of that, so the things he's saying now— things that blatantly contradict all of that— have to be lies, as far as she's concerned. ] Why are you acting so weird about this all of a sudden?

[He saw the slap coming and didn't bother to brace himself. It more than just stings—it hurts. She really did not hold back and her strength is not something to be reckoned with.

So why is he doing all of this?]

What I said before—about us being fine. It's a lie. [No, that's a lie.] I don't think we can hang around together anymore.

[For about rejecting her feelings. Now it sounds like he's breaking up with her.

It really is contradicting everything he just told her. It's contradicting everything he actually feels. This isn't even the best alternative or best option. They can stay friends...or can they? Furthermore, what's wrong with him just returning her feelings? He has them, why doesn't he accept it? What's wrong with just letting her wait until he figures himself out? Whether it's a day, a month, a year— No, that is why he doesn't want her to wait. He needs her to forget about him now. So that she's not unwittingly dragged into any of his messes.

Well that's what he's telling himself. In reality he's just screwing up even worse than he ever did in the past. What he "thinks" is for the best is obviously not—for either of them. But his past and that fear, whether real or imagine, clearly has a very strong hold on him. So long as he keeps thinking he's not the right guy for her, it's going to stay that way.]

[ she actually feels bad about the slap, especially when it's clear that it didn't even do what she hoped it would (which is to quite literally smack some sense into him).

... and then he says that. that they aren't fine. that they can't hang out together. if she weren't so shocked, she would probably be much, much more hurt by his words, but as it is, she just looks at him, stunned. ]

Are you serious? [ she knows a joke when she hears one, especially when it's coming from him, and this sounds... really serious. so maybe a better question would be: ] Why? Is it because I messed things up?

[ by having feelings for him? by kissing him again? he had started to act like this after she did that, so... maybe that's why? ]

No. [He does soften a bit at that.] You didn't mess up anything or do anything wrong. [A deep sigh.] It's all me.

Edited 2015-01-31 05:57 (UTC)

[ now that the shock has passed, there's a heavy ache in her chest from what he said before, but she's starting to loop back around to being confused. she didn't do anything wrong, but he sure had been lashing out at her like she had just now, so... ]

Wait... what'd you do?

Exactly what I didn't want to do. [Hurt her.

He pulls back farther from her.]

...It's getting late. You should probably start heading home.

Nope, not happening. Not 'til we fix this mess.

[ she shakes her head and while she makes no move to try to get closer when he moves away, she does stay seated exactly where she is. if he really wants her to leave, he's going to have to be more firm about it than that. ]

Leia.

[He does sound a bit pleading.]

[ ... he really must want her to go if he's saying her name like that. she sighs, her shoulders drooping slightly as she does. ]

All right, all right. I'll leave if you promise we can still hang around each other.

[ because just leaving would be too much like giving up. ]

I can't promise that.

[Even if he really would. He's just afraid that something like this will happen again. That he'll slip and confuse and hurt her like this again. But he knows she won't go like that so he relents a little more.]

Just give me some time first.

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