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[It had been a couple of weeks since the New Year, and it...well it wasn't exactly the best of starts. After Leia's confession, the two had been a little distant. They still talked and met every now and then, but it wasn't as often. A lot of it as on Alvin, and not just because of increased work with the business.

That night over several glasses of various strong alcoholic beverages, he had told Balan what had happened and for once his cousin didn't mock him or throw sass at him. Instead he just asked Alvin why he rejected her and why he thought they couldn't date. Age aside, from what he had seen, Balan thought they could work out. Balan only knew vague details about their past (well, he knew Alvin had shot her, so perhaps it wasn't so vague), but they were friends now so did it really matter?

And really, Alfred, you don't seriously think you don't feel anything for the girl, do you? I'm no expert, but it's obvious to everyone except you.

In the end, all Alvin could say and be hung over about was the fact that he wasn't the right guy and that whatever feelings he did have shouldn't be allowed. That it's better this way.

Elle and Elize—man did he get an earful from the both of them. Elize yelled at him so much and now she refuses to talk to him. Elle just thinks he's an idiot and doesn't understand why grown-ups have to be so complicated.

If you get along so great, what's the big deal?

All of these questions only make him wonder if he really is doing the right thing. It also makes him realize that...he really might have had deeper feelings for the girl. That those impulses he had weren't just strange, one-off things. If that's true, then why is it so hard for him to accept those feelings and act on them? He already knows how she feels. Or...is he doubting that? Is he afraid that something might happen to change that? That even if she likes him now, she might leave because he can't get his act together?

Whenever those kinds of doubts and thoughts crawl into his mind, he immediately tries to banish them. Leia wouldn't be like that. He knows her better than that. Yet that kind of fear...and knowing how he's not really ready for that kind of relationship either...

In the end, it was just a complicated mess. A mess he himself is creating.

But he does want to keep their friendship and he does realize that he misses her company. So although he recognizes he's being a hypocrite here, he finally sends her that text asking her if she wants to watch the movie. He's glad and relieved when she accepts, even when he offers his place since he has the better system. It wouldn't be the first time, but it would in a while. And the first after her confession. Things...could get awkward, but he would try to act as normal as possible.

So it's now the day they would watch the movie and he's waiting for her at his apartment. And for some reason he actually feels a little nervous about this.]

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[Hearing her directly say that she likes him does make his heart beat fast for a few moments. Even though he's always known, hearing say the words only makes it more real and serious. It's not a bad thing to hear, really, even if there are complications surrounding it. It...well it makes him feel a little happy about it. A little confused and pained, too, but there's some happiness there.

Yet because of how he is, he still can't fully accept her feelings even if he wants to. Even if he wants to return them, he can't. So he just continues to make himself the fall guy.]

I like being around you, too. [He can at least say that honestly.] But I get the sense that if I do something you'll feel weird or hurt because of it, so in the end... I end up not really knowing how I should be around you.

[A very wry grin.]

Guess it's hard to act "normal" when we were already pushing those lines.

[He's trying to be a little lighthearted about this to make it a little easier for them, but it's also forced on his part as well.]

[ well, at least they're on the same page with that, even if it stings to know that he's been feeling as uncertain as she has. that forcing herself isn't just effecting her. ]

I think it hurts more to walk on eggshells like this... you know what I mean? [ being strained around each other like this is probably worse than whatever pain he could cause her by acting the way that they used to. her voice goes a little softer as she continues, a sign that she's actually not forcing herself— that these really are her feelings, and not a watered-down version that she thinks might make things easier. ] I'd rather talk this all out and then go back to normal than stay like this.

[ because feelings or no feelings, he still is her best friend. she may want more, but she misses being able to talk to him freely, hanging around with him, and not having to worry about the little things. they may have talked about the fact that she has feelings for him on new years, but she ran off before they had a chance to talk about anything more than that, so... maybe clearing the air a little more would help. ]

Do you think we could do that?

Yeah...I think we can. [He gives her a small reassuring smile.

But where...do they even start? Should they go for a serious topic first like, where do they go from here? How it all began? What might be on her mind? Because he might not freely state what's on his given his...conflicting and complicated thoughts and feelings about this.

He could try something a little more lighthearted. There are certainly a few questions he'd like to ask that aren't as pertinent. Instead he'll let her take the lead, maybe that would make it easier for the both of them.]

What should we talk about first?

[ that's a good question— and one she hadn't given much thought, so she's going to do that now, weighing her options with a surprising amount of care.

there have been a few things bugging her since she first told him how she feels, even if she hasn't tried pestering him about any of them for fear of making things worse. so... maybe that's the best place to start? ]

Do you mind me asking if there's anyone you've got your eye on?

[ it's kind of like jumping into the deep end, asking a question like that— but it's something she really does want to know. it's something she's wondered about several times since new years, even. despite the way she words it, though, she actually has a specific person in mind this time around. she knows he hasn't really been playing the field much (if at all) lately, but... well, like him, the movie they watched brought a particular person to mind.

she doesn't know much about his relationship with presa even now, but that's what she's trying to steer this toward, clumsy as her attempt may be. in the grand scheme of things, she... hadn't died that long ago, and given that she still thinks of agria, who she hadn't been nearly as tangled up with, it's easy to think that maybe he still harbors feelings for her. especially when she remembers the fractured dimension they had gone into. ]

[That was actually not the question he had been expecting, and it shows by the way his brows rise as he looks at her. Is she thinking about that accountant he met at New Year's? Or is she worried that maybe he had met someone prior and that's why he couldn't return her feelings. It's a fair question all things considered, and in some ways he kind of wished that really was the case. It would make things easier for both of them.

But the one he has his eyes on...might actually be sitting right next to him. And that's still something he's not really ready to admit or even sure if it really is something than that. Given his past history, can he really say he knows what "being in love" is?]

No, not really. [It's half a lie, but he's not sure he knows what the real truth is.] I haven't really been looking and no one's really caught my eye.

[Except for maybe the one person right here, but again he's not sure if that's really the case. Though Leia is the first girl...woman? (Technically is a woman now, isn't she.) That he's felt this kind of comfortable attraction or even an attraction that's more than the superficial, "Oh hey she's hot."

Granted, even when he does meet women, be it just in passing or while spending the evening enjoying a drink at the bar after a long day, he doesn't try to make any deep connections. He's had a few make a pass at him, but he had always declined (although a few had been quite tempting). It's just still too early for him. Still too soon after the death of his mother and Presa...which was reopened less than two years ago. He's not hung over them, but they are part of that problem for him about relationships and wanting to go into one only if he's sure that he's ready and able. He doesn't want to make that same mistake.]

Then again, I don't think I'd really try dating for another year. With the business finally getting its footing, I'm not sure how well I could devote to that kind of relationship and if it's someone I only just met... It might not really be fair. Plus there's still the matter of me still trying to get my act together. [A small grin.]

[ a year would make her... nineteen, and he'd be approaching thirty. she's not actively trying to think about that kind of thing (and it's just another reminder of the gap between them, which is something that stings), but considering how long she had held onto her feelings for jude... it's likely that she'll still feel something for him when that time rolls around, unless something drastically changes.

she has to squash the urge to ask if she would have a shot then (it would make things even weirder if she did, she figures), and instead she continues to push the subject closer to what she's got in mind. ]

What about... someone from the past?

[ she can't bring herself to say it outright even now— she doesn't really know how sore of a subject presa may or may not be— but hopefully that's specific enough for him to understand what she means. ]

Someone from the—[It actually takes him a second to figure out what, or rather who she is getting at, and then it hits him.] ...You mean Presa?

[Even if she had been in the back of his mind, it didn't occur to him that she would actually bring her up. There's a small, notable pause before there's a short, almost nervous laugh.] Come on, you don't think I'm really still thinking about her, do you?

[Even if he does from time to time. Even if he still has that letter tucked in his drawer. Even if he sometimes pulled it out back when he was really feeling down and uncertain if he could really change. But he can't even remember the last time he did that.]

I dunno. Kind of.

[ she gives a small shrug of her shoulders before continuing. ]

You really loved her, right? [ the optimist in her can't think of their situation in any other way. presa had definitely loved him, as far as she's concerned, and if he didn't love her back... it would just be too sad. ] And it's not like everything happened that long ago.

[ she shifts a little, moving so that she can actually look at him, instead of watching him from the corner of her eye, or by turning her head his way. if they're going to talk about something serious like this, she owes him her full attention. ]

It's okay if you are, you know.

[This has taken a far more awkward and uncomfortable turn than he expected, and he's honestly not sure how to answer. Especially when she brings up the notion that he loved her.

Which...is true. He did. It might not have been a true, deep love that Presa had for him at the time, but he had cared for her and had unknowingly started to allow himself some kind of connection to the world he was desperately trying to escape. If it weren't for that, if it weren't for his circumstances at the time...perhaps those feelings could have fostered and deepened to something more. But he just didn't quite realize it until it was too late.

So he's silent as he thinks about this, the memories of those days gone by flickering through his mind, before he lets out a heavy sigh. As he answers he keeps his eyes averted, unable to really look at her directly for this.]

Every now and then, maybe. [Has he ever really even talked about Presa since seeing her in the fractured dimension? He had told Yurgen his story about her, but that was before then. But even that had been... It hadn't been of the time they had been together. It was a story of when he met her again after Jude beat him up. So no, he hasn't told anyone about how they had been. How he really felt. He had still kept it hidden and vague.] Presa deserved a lot better, and honestly I don't know what it was she saw in me or still saw in me. Even back then I wasn't exactly open to her feelings for me. I mean...I could tell, but at the time I just didn't think it would work out, you know? I mean, I did care about her, and I think if things had been different I could have really loved her as much as she did me, but back then I just couldn't truly love her. So even when I was with her, I kept a part of myself distant.

[And then when she sprang that question on him, about wanting to run away to Auj Oule, to get married, to forsake everything he had been working toward— Even if for a brief moment he actually considered it, it just couldn't happen, and he did a horrible thing to her. The memory still burns in his mind, and after that fractured dimension he had had many a dream—sometimes nightmares—about it.

He thinks about telling Leia this, to get it all out, but instead he hesitates and keeps it to himself. Maybe she might not want to hear about it. Maybe she would think worse of him.]

In the end, all I ever did was betray her and I could never give what she wanted. [A place by his side.] And that's really what I think about most.

[A deep breath.]

I think about how I made a big mistake and how I don't want a repeat of that. How I don't want to hurt someone who could possibly care for a guy like me. How if I ever do open myself up to another person, I don't want to hurt them like I did before. [Now he looks over at her, although it's an unconscious action.

Because in the back of his mind, whether he realizes it or not, he is thinking about her in this context now. Of how he doesn't want to hurt her or betray her. Even more, she is someone he's allowed himself to open up to. But again...he's not sure what that really means for his feelings, so it remains conflicted.]

Edited 2015-01-30 06:06 (UTC)

[ she listens quietly as he speaks. it's tempting to try to comfort him, or even to tell him she thinks she knows what presa might have seen in him, but she won't. instead, she waits until she's sure he's finished before speaking up. ]

It sounds like you've got a lot of things on your plate right now. [ even now he isn't going into too many details, but it's easy to see how much is going on below the surface, and how much she probably has no clue about. ] But... you know, I don't think she'd want you to beat yourself up over all of that too much.

[ she hadn't known presa very well and she could probably count their meetings on both hands with fingers to spare, but she had been concerned about alvin to the very end. even in the fractured dimension, he had been in her thoughts. someone like that probably wouldn't want him to stay stuck in the past, letting his mistakes ruin his chance at happiness, she figures. even if she's sure that his happiness won't involve her (not romantically, at least), a part of her wants for him to think about that— to consider that he doesn't have to drag around his guilt forever. ]

Besides, you've changed a lot since then.

[ even if he might be the same person in some ways, the change is... pretty obvious. the way they can genuinely be as close as they are is probably proof of that. ]

[There's a small if somber smile. He knows Leia is right, but knowing and feeling and believing are always separate issues.]

Have I really? [There might be some slight dryness in his voice.] Sometimes it's hard to tell.

[Especially with what he's doing right now. He might have changed some, but a lot?]

Come on, you're gonna hurt my feelings if you keep saying things like that about yourself.

[ which might sound like a strange thing to say on its own, but after a short pause— one where she's steeling herself, working up the nerve to say something— she continues. ]

Do you seriously think I'd fall for a guy who runs around acting like you did three years ago?

[ it's a bold thing to say and it's another direct confirmation of her feelings, but once she actually starts getting the words out, it comes... surprisingly easily. and it's true, too. there's no way she would have fallen for him when they first met, but that's obviously not the case anymore. ]

[That does make him look back at her, and he studies her for a moment before voicing a question that had been on his mind but one he could never bring himself to ask.]

Why did you fall for me? [Hearing the words leave his mouth sounds weird to him and he almost tries to retract it. But instead he continues a little more.] I mean...really, Leia, what is it that you like about me? Especially after I...you know.

[Shot her in the back. Patching things up to return to a point of friendship is already a big hurdle and one he's glad they did. But taking it further to...love? It's a little harder for him to swallow, even moreso from his end since he also feels that he doesn't have any kind of right to either receive or give those kinds of feelings.]

[ she almost considers brushing it off as a joke (maybe her "type" is actually whoever happens to be her best friend at any given time), but... he was serious about presa. she can be serious about this. ]

I guess... part of it is because of all of the things we've been through.

[ she doesn't exactly look back fondly on him... you know... shooting her and stabbing all of them in the back repeatedly, but at the same time, the fact that they've been through so much means that their bond runs deeper than it would if they hadn't dealt with all of those things. they got along fine before the incident in hamil, but whatever friendship they could have had was in shambles afterward. she could barely even look at him for a while there. then, once everything was over, they built up something real. for someone like her, someone who puts so much faith in hard work, that's kind of a nice feeling. but that's not all: ]

I feel like I can be myself when we hang out. [ that's something they've talked about before— the fact that she doesn't feel like he's going to judge her or reel her in too much. ] And even if you like to play the jerk sometimes, you're nice to me when it counts.

[ as she says all of that, her face starts to heat up again. she could definitely go on to say more, but she's going to stop for a moment so that she doesn't get carried away and make things weird. ]

Want me to keep going?

[...Yep, it's weird, but they're not...bad things so far. It's things he can understand and relate to since he feels the same way.

He could let her off and let her stop there, but... He's now a bit curious. So—]

Sure. If you want to that is.

[It could have come off as more like teasing or joking remark, but it doesn't. He has a very strong feeling that he might regret this because it might go somewhere more embarrassing, but if he wants to understand how Leia exactly feels about him, he needs to hear it. That and...maybe it would help shed some light for him as well.]

[ it takes her a moment since she's starting to feel more and more embarrassed as her mental list of things she likes about him grows longer and longer (maybe she should just scribble it all down into her notepad and shove it in his face), but she eventually starts up again. ]

Sometimes when we hang out, I actually feel kind of... special. [ her gaze drops down to her lap as she says that last word, where she's twisting her hands together in hopes of expending some of the nervous energy she's building up, because this is actually one of the bigger reasons. ] I spent a long time chasing after Jude, but I don't think he ever made me feel like that.

[ the attention alvin gives her is completely different than the kind jude has always given her, and something about that is appealing to her— he compliments her surprisingly often, and he watches her back instead of babying her the way that jude still sometimes does. he might tease her a lot, but it's still not hard to see that he cares.

but the longer she lingers on that specific reason, the more embarrassed she feels, so now she's going to just. quickly, kind of loudly, blurt out a few more reasons. ]

I feel really happy when we're together, and... I dunno! [ wait for it— ] I guess the fact that you're pretty easy on the eyes doesn't hurt much, either!

[ and there's some of her typical energy, even if she's probably beet red at this point. please don't let her keep going. ]

[He was right. He feels awkward and a bit embarrassed for that first bit. Yeah he knows he compliments and treats her well, but at least in the beginning it had just been him treating her like he treats any girl. Just...more recently he might have been more catered to her and he wonders how much that was him being genuine and him being...something else who knows. So...yeah he might have started treating her like she was special. That birthday date was certainly a big hint if anything.

But at her last remark, he can't help but look at her for a moment before laughing a bit—a real one. It's small, but not forced, and the combination of that and her words helps clear the air a bit.]

Good to know that my good looks and charm are still effective.

[He can't help tease her a bit on that point at least.]

Come on, I was being serious!

[ about all of it. not just the part about him being good-looking. except she might be rethinking all of those nice things she just said to him right about now.

she swats at his arm lightly, but there's a small hint of a smile on her face, so she can't be that angry. ]

Do you have to make everything into a joke?

You know how I am. And do you really hit the person you like?

[Yes that is indeed...how he is. Turning everything around into a joke to remove all that unwanted tension. Divert it to something else, possibly to push back to another time or hide it completely. But in this case, it's just an automatic kind of response.

And...part of it might also be him trying to be more open and in a way accepting of her feelings. Or at the very least acknowledge them rather than trying to shuffle around them.]

[ this is the same girl who bullied jude all throughout their childhood, so... ]

Yeah, if you're gonna be a jerk after I just spilled my guts to you!

[ have another little swat to the arm. the fact that he acknowledged her feelings so bluntly makes her heart beat a little faster, so... part of her fit here might be because of that, too. maybe. ]

You could at least be happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell you all of that!

I am happy, though. [And he says that honestly enough, his demeanor softening a bit.] I mean it.

[He looks at her more properly now, no longer setting up for the jokes or the teasing. He had needed that little laugh, and now he feels a little more relaxed and able to speak a little of his own thoughts.]

Despite my failings and what we've been through... I've always been happy knowing that you can be comfortable around me, and I feel the same way with you. I can be myself and I know you won't judge me.

[He looks at her, hesitating for a moment before the hand closest to her slowly reaches forward and lightly rests atop her hand. He's not sure how this will affect her, but he feels he needs to say this.]

I really do care a lot for you, Leia. [More than he's willing to admit.

And then the small smile that had lingered on his lips fades a bit.] Which is why I'm also afraid that I'll end up hurting you.

[It's a bit vague as to what he means. It could be in relation to their current situation, since a one-sided love with a best friend is obviously painful, especially when it's a second time. It could be reflecting his own fear as to why he can't bring himself to act on his own feelings. It could be something more general and tie back to what he was talking about earlier. But there is the big fear here has being said more specifically toward her.]

[ this is exactly the kind of thing she was talking about before. it's sincere moments like this that make her feel special.

as he speaks, she even feels a small smile pulling at her own lips, because even if she doesn't only see him as a best friend anymore, their friendship really is precious to her. and when she feels his hand over hers, she turns hers over so that she can return the touch, though that may be more of a habit than anything else. they do hold hands a lot, after all.

and then he says that last part, and... it doesn't bring her down completely, but it does make her feel a little frustrated at this point. why does he seem more afraid of hurting her than she is of being hurt? ]

You're not going to hurt me. [ she says this very seriously, and. is she leaning in a little? ] I already told you, avoiding all of that stuff hurts more than anything else, and you don't have to keep trying to protect me, either.

[ and that's actually the truth. it's not just something she's telling him to make him feel better. the awkwardness between them had stung a lot, and she's pretty sure that was worse than... whatever sort of pain he's worried about causing her. she doesn't even know exactly what he's talking about anymore.

either way— whether it's because of her frustrations, or the fact that she's trying to prove herself, or maybe even all the wine she's had (or possibly even some combination of those factors), she's going to close the distance between them one more time, leaning in just a little bit more so that she can brush her lips against his. ]

[Before he can even try and think of a response, he sees her leaning in and feels her lips on his. It surprises him, but it also... There's a very sharp tug and pang in his heart. Each kiss they shared had been different, each one invoking different emotions for him.

This one seems to have finally broken through the already crumbling wall that had been trying to contain his own feelings for her.

At first he pulls back, just a fraction of an inch. But after his eyes look into hers for a moment, before he even realizes what he's doing, his hand tightens around hers and his mouth returns to hers, lips pressing a little harder against hers. Even if he knows he shouldn't be doing this, what his brain says and what his heart and body feels and does are at complete dissonance with one another.]

[ as much as the fact that he's kissing her catches her off guard (and it does, because he was just turning her down not too long ago and he had better be prepared to explain himself), she can't help but shift closer to him as he does. this is what she's been wanting from him for a while now— a kiss that isn't just her going in for the kill and coming up empty. a real kiss. now that she has it, her heart is hammering in her chest, and she feels... really happy, actually. she's not considering the chances of this being a fluke of some sort because she's way too optimistic for that. instead, she just takes it at face value for the moment. alvin is kissing her, and she likes it. that's the important thing.

her free hand, the one that he isn't holding onto, even comes up to hold onto the front of his shirt, like she might be trying to keep him there as she returns it, kissing back just as firmly as he is, if somewhat clumsily thanks to her lack of real experience. ]

[Although the kiss is a little hard, he's not too aggressive—even if he has some growing impulses to make it so. It's not empty either, which is probably clearly due to the force and how much emotion there is hidden behind it. And even though he's aware that he should not be doing this... Explaining himself...is going to be very difficult. If anything he might be making things worse as his other hand reaches up to her face, his thumb cradling along the side of her jawline as the rest of his fingers wrap behind her head.

He holds her like this, perhaps even pulling her a little closer to him. It's almost as if his own body is trying to desperately call out to her, to tell her in its own way that despite what he says or thinks, this is how he really feels. And it's a call that is cut short when he finally breaks the kiss, his breath warm as he tries to catch it. He doesn't pull back very far, but far enough so that he can look down at her, a bit of a pained expression on his face.

God did it feel so good to finally do that, and he wants to kiss her again, but that voice in the back of his head telling him that this is wrong and that he's not the right one for her holds him back. The only proof of his conflict is how he still hasn't quite moved away. How he still holds her hand and and keeps his hand pressed against her head.]